As I’ve mentioned, updating this page has been a tricky venture of late; in the midst of a turbulent month, I’ve had both computer equiptment issues, and brain equiptment issues. It gets hard to be creative in the midst of some rough waters, which the past couple weeks have carried.
First things first, there was the issue of a little MRI last week. What I didn’t realize until after the fact was that this was an erroneously scheduled scan, as it was originally going to monitor the progress of a treatment I had decided not to pursue. So, not surprisingly, the scan revealed continued tumor progression. Meaning, chemo hasn’t worked so far, and neither has no chemo. The doctor again suggested I pursue the original chemo plan, which I had some reservations about, but can now see would be the most effective path of chemotherapy to take. Were I to choose that path.
Trick is, glioblastomas that have put up this much of a fight are nearly always a game-ender. As such, my other consulting oncologist has consistently encouraged me to consider the cancer-care buzz phrase “quality of life v. quantity of life.” This phrase implies an unavoidable outcome to one’s battle, and an understandable prompting to not make this ordeal any more painful than it already has been. The best path should be pretty clear; statistically, you’re not gonna walk away from a glio that wants to play ball as badly as this one does. Chemo makes you feel like you’ve got the flu all the time. Summers in the Pacific Northwest are pretty awesome, and particularly moreso when one is not puking one’s guts out. Seems like a pretty straight line to follow.
There’s only one problem; I’ve never been very good at moving in straight lines. My Bachelors degree took about 10 yrs and several redirects to complete, and even then, resulted in a B.A. in Geology, which essentially qualifies me to annoy people with fun rock facts while on hikes. I’ll be moving on into my mid 30s this summer, short of a spouse, any children, or anything remotely resembling financial stability. If there’s an easy way to get somewhere in life, history shows that I’ll rarely take it.
In the context of this current conversation, I’ve been really struggling all week as to the best path. At this sitting (could change by the morning, as it sure did several times over the course of just today), I’m leaning towards seeing what this latest flavor of chemo has to say about this growing little nuisance; natropathy would be my preferred path, but it’s pretty clear that this fight needs a bit of a jump start. Yes, I’ll regret my choice each and every time that poison gets pumped into my currently pretty healthy system, and of course, I can opt out anytime before my mid-Aug. scan (but wouldn’t want to).
In conclusion, I have zero peace about proceeding forward with chemo, but even less peace about taking the path of least resistance. Whether or not God’s still planning on playing that miracle card is out of my hands, though I am definitely feeling encouraged and sustained by the hundreds of you that have consistently held me in prayer (something I consider more than an empty gesture). At the same time, I’m completely out of my own strength, but am I reminded I don’t need to have the next step completely planned out:
“but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
(Isaiah 40:31-New International Version (NIV))
So, there’s my light and fluffy week. Although it wasn’t all life-and-death gravity; my amazing church family caught wind that I’d always wanted to be in a food fight (taken from the bucket list post I did). Both wanting to care for me, and seeing an awesome idea just waiting to be made awesome reality, murmerings became conversations, which became plans, and before long, I was being invited to a big old food fight being staged in my name.
While this has always been one of my life aspirations, seeing fun adults feeling free to be silly and cut loose is on my neverending life list (especially when, as my convenient limitations would have it, it was best not to have kids running around underfoot…besides, parents can never really relax while their kids are nearby).
Enjoy some much welcomed, light and fluffy fun for yourself…
