Confession: I am a chronic over thinker

It’s been a pathetically long time since my last update here. I hope you understand: no news means either no change, or I’m tired of talking / thinking about it for the time, but will come around and let my prayer & encouragement partners know how they best pray for and support me. Even longer ago was my last submission to the confessional section of this site (where I’ve disclosed such scandolous objects of desire as Sno-Cones and Corn Dogs). So, in the spirit of intentional laziness, let’s hit them both at the same time.

          Like so many poor pot roasts in my poor track spotting my record of crock pot cookery, much of my adult life has been accompanied by overcooked decisions. This alone is my fourth or fifth crack at this update, with each previous one just sounding too labored or focusing on strange but lame topics.  Doesn’t help when this one does not necessarily evoke celebration. Trying too hard to minimize risk while shooting for some artificial standard that nobody but myself is holding out there, has found me with too many unfinished writing projects, too many adventures not taken, too many great girls not asked out, and too many over thought decisions that could have instead been learning opportunities (or, at the very least, good stories and awesome scars). The past couple weeks have had me getting my recent MRI scan to determine if current chemo treatments were, in fact, doing their job. What the scan showed wasn’t what we we’re hoping for: it showed this tumor as being aggressive enough to keep growing even when under fire by one of the more effective chemo treatments for brain tumors. So much for Plan D or Q or whatever we’re on now.

         That led to my UW docs making a recommendation for further chemo treatments using more generic cancer treatments (not shown to be as strong against brain tumors as the ones that already haven’t for he worked for me).  Essentially, a last- ditch effort to throw whatever’s left in the metaphorical toolbox at this thing hoping one of them might slow it down a bit, giving me a few more months/years of life. But those treatments would come with a high physical toll, and they would not be good years/months, and would have little aim of restoring my health.

         I’ve noted before that this whole notion of beating your body up to make it healthy just doesn’t sit right with me; that one doesn’t require any over thinking to reach. So, when this path was suggested, I knew I didn’t want to take it but also knew it wasn’t a good, idea to abandon one plan without another solidly in place. I’ve been dumb enough to quit jobs without another in place (a rare example of my not over thinking something).

          So, after a few days of pondering, praying, and lots of thinking, I realized I didn’t need to over think this one. My habit of forgetting that’s it’s OK to do things without knowing how they’ve going to turn out, would have at one time, sent me into a spiral of overthought. But, this time I knew I had zero peace about pursuing another chemo treatment (particularly one with little hope of wiping out this cancer). A few days of reasonable non-over thinking, along with an extended talk with my local oncologist (who has always been a good voice of reason on this journey) led me to the only conclusion my gut felt good about (the metaphorical one, that is; though, the literal one didn’t like the idea of ingesting more poison, either).  It would be a worse risk,with greater harm done to my already weakened body, to follow the suggested path of more chemo at this time. My emphasis instead will be to focus an establishing a solid naturopathic plan of health upon which my body will get a chance to repair itself. It’s a big risk to reject one’s doctor’s advice, but curing glioblastoma is a tall order, and no big rewards are ever reached without big risks.

          That being said, there are still very few educated voices telling me that surviving an aggressive glioblastoma at this point is a realistic possibility. So, I figure, if I’m going to go down, I’m at least going to go down with my body and mind at full strength. And, if I’m going to drive this thing into the ground, it’ll be with my body having been given a fighting chance, and through the loving hand of an almighty god who is bigger than any stupid lump in my head, and who can choose to heal me or take me home based on whichever makes for the better end of this story He’s been writing in each of us for a few years. 

          It’s always nice to feel at peace with big decisions, without having had to over think them. I suppose it’s possible to over think the notion of over thinking things.  But, I’m not sure.

          I should think that one over for a while.

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