It has occurred to me lately that even should I ever walk away from this current health ordeal of mine; I should never expect to return to what could be considered 100% of physical form (there’s just been too much damage done to the wiring up there). As such, I’m setting some realistic expectations for the rest of my life (in delusionally optimistic anticipation of a long one: which includes, among other things taking my solo Italy trip off the bucket list (as well as all other solo travel). In the shorter term this has involved needing to let others make decisions regarding my future independence abilities (tough to stomach when I’m doing just fine, and perhaps well above expectations right now. However it still stinks to watch friends & family living their lives, hiking hikes, running races, traveling on trips, even just driving around (which I have no guarantee of being able to do again anytime soon), all at 100%.

This past week my church looked at Ps.63 where David longs for water in the midst of his desert; the speaker (a good friend who teaches education students) made a point about walking w/ others in their deserts, and called me out by name (the one week where I wasn’t feeling up to making it in – I wasn’t there, but listened online later) as someone who has a unique desert experience that always leaves him laughing when he encounters me in it – I’ve had others share similar sentiments, and take that as one of the greatest compliments I could get; being able to uplift in the midst of a struggle…

But just the same I was reminded recently that while I haven’t been 100%  at any time in the past 3 yrs, the diminished percent (let’s say 70% I’ve been at has been  a greater 70% than if I had remained at that previous 100%, and that, if I could, I wouldn’t trade the two.  Having seen what I’ve seen in God’s guiding hand, in my support system, and in myself, I have little choice but to remain thankful for not being 100% (“…for my strength is made perfect in  weakness (I Cor 12:9).”), or become miserable and ungrateful for the 70% – thus robbing me of whatever time I’ve got left here. As sick as it sounds, cancer has significantly improved my life in many ways.